Dear Next One,
Have you ever read No Lie, Pigs (and Their Houses) Can Fly!: The Story of the Three Little Pigs as Told by the Wolf (The Other Side of the Story) by Jessica Gunderson? If not, you really should. It’s a great book. It tells another side of the story. I love hearing all sides of the story, it helps me better understand situations. I want to save you lots of time and protect you from ever having to wonder…But, why? So hear is a whole lot of blah blah blah (Sher’s side of the story). Enjoy!
It was more than a divorce.
A divorce is much more than a dissolution of marriage. It was more than emptying a few dresser draws.
A divorce is much more than a decision to separate,
Two Lives that were meant to Forever be One.
Divorce breaks you!
Then God finds you!
Later, you find yourself.
After, you find the next One.
And if you’re Lucky, your next One will be The One,
The One you were not.
And that is a good thing.
Who we were then, should not be who we are now.
We grow throughout life. Experiences are a gift. Each stage of life teaches us purpose.
Blessing are found in both good, and bad times. You went through it, to get to where you are now. And where you are today.
Be damn sure not to get too comfortable. You didn’t lose and struggle to survive, so that you could go through it all again, in another round. No. Hell no! You went through it to come out better. More aware. More ready to Love. And to be Loved. Mostly, to be the teacher of Love.
We all hear stories of lives that have bettered after divorce.
Some men become better Lovers and more caring fathers (NO SHIT! Who wouldn’t be an awesome parent when he only has to parent four days out of an entire month!) And some women are made new (Probably because they get a makeover, hit the gym, have extra drawers for all their shit, and get four days out of a month, kid free!) But this is not that story.
This is not a blog post that will be easy to take in, not even a little. This post is going to hurt to read. Trust me, it was incredibly hard to write, and even harder to post. Because that’s what Truth is, it is hard to hear, hard to practice, and so ridiculously hard to live by. But Real Truth is worth it. In all honesty, the truth really does set you free.
***Warning! If you’re reading this hoping to hear a woman tell you her life is better after divorce, be prepared to read something that is going to challenge you to come against self-pity.
That’s right, you see, I’ve already hurt your feelings!
Hurt feelings end marriages. Relationships come to an end because feelings get hurt. And things like separation and divorce happen because we fail to take accountability. There are needs that need to be met; and we want these needs met on our terms and conditions. Only, many of us don’t have a clue what it is we want! God help us All.
There’s a separation. Sadly, later comes a divorce.
Next, God’s Peace. Then finally, there’s healing.
And after some time, like it or not, there will be the next One.
You’ve stopped breathing.
Deep breath, now exhale.
You’re not sure you’re ready to read this,
And that is OK.
Surviving divorce is a process, a huge healing process.
But remember, everything happens for a reason.
You hear that? Can you feel the truth and pain lost in those simple words?
Restless, endless, tired beats.
How can two people who loved each other so much, become strangers living in the same home? How do two amazing Lovers create beautiful children, then later become nothing more than roommates? How do two people accept a life full of restless, endless, tired beats?
Failed relationships happen when we get lost in our self-pity. Families are divided when the foundation of the home sinks. Partners become enemies when they choose blame over accountability.
Ask yourself this – when’s the last time you’ve wanted to passionately kiss the person you blame for your unhappiness.
Self-pity and blame are the thieves we never acknowledge.
And fools never talk about these thieves.
I’m no longer this world’s fool, I want to speak truth;
Your self-pity and your need to place blame are killing you slowly.
You’re losing in life because you choose to simply be losing.
Time to stand up, and Fight.
But, what’s there to fight for?
Restless, endless, tired beats?
My story is not yours. It may sound like yours, but it is mine.
Be mindful what you take from my story. I’m posting my personal thoughts, feelings, and real-life experiences. I loved and lost. I was broken, and put back together. My children were exposed to unhealthy immature behaviors; I thought divorce (and starting fresh) would create a better, more healthy life for them.
I was so very wrong.
I fight the good fight, believe it or not.
But I jumped into the ring very late.
I think so many of us do this, we box wearing “gloves of hate”; only later to realize we should have been fighting with “gloves of love”. And, purpose, should have been the “winning belt”. I guess you must lose a fight, before you can truly know that though.
What I’ve gone through, what my children and I continue to grow through; I wouldn’t wish it on the nasty soul walking this earth. Divorcing the man I loved (more than life itself) almost killed me. Literally. But in the pain, I found God. Not the God you’re taught about in Sunday school. No, I found my God. My Jesus. My Holy Spirit. And after finding Him, I found Me. And I’d walk through that a hell all over again, to get to where I am today. But the hell my children go through, the hell they’ll have to continue to learn to Grow through was not something I ever considered.
I don’t think any person contemplating divorce, ever truly knows exactly what the devil has instore for the children of divorce. I know I would not have picked this life for my children.
Only, I did.
I picked Me.
Divorce is deceiving. It spits good game, then (like your ex) fails you horribly.
I KNOW! I KNOW! Low blow on my part.
Sorry, but honestly not sorry.
Like I stated early on, this is MY story.
If I can’t vent a little while telling it, then what the hell is the point of storytelling?!
Simple truth, the truth that weak, prideful people don’t share. Because it’s so damn hard to admit that you’re the damn problem.
Your ways, your thoughts, your behavior – it’s all YOU!
You’re picking to be Unhappy. Unsatisfied. Unrealistic! Unforgiving!
Your role is just as big and important as your partner’s.
You can only control your role.
So give up the blame game. There are no winners in that game, only losers.
Healing begins when you stop pointing fingers, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Healing starts when you stop talking and begin to listen.
I can remember the first time I realized that it had been years (Yes! You’re reading that right, Years!) since I had kissed my husband. Since my husband kissed me. Truthfully, since we kissed each other.
PAUSE! If I’m going to invite the world into my life, I want to know that my words are clear: It was years after my divorce when I realized I was equally to blame for the extinction of passion in my marriage. I spent most my time feeling sorry for myself. I created him to be my devil, and I needed to free myself from his hell. I was such a fool. I never once considered, I was HIS devil, and he needed to flee from MY hell.
I wish I could tell you that once I realized we had not locked lips in years, I cried. Immediately running to him, wrapped my arms around him, and engaged in hours of sexy tongue action. But I did not. In fact, I remember shedding no tears at all.
I remember asking myself a very important question: had I ever kissed my husband? Sure, every now and then we’d have some great sex, but for the life of me, I could not remember a kiss. Later, I asked my husband, “why don’t we kiss?”, and the cold look he gave me truly was my conformation: We had made a very bad decision.
Honestly, I had made a bad decision. I married the boy I fell in love with, while in high school. What the hell does a young girl know about love?!
Nothing. I knew nothing.
Restless, endless, tired beats.
The realization that we hadn’t kissed in three years really did a number on my mind. I became a record stuck on repeat: If my husband and I were ever alone, or in the same bed at night, I’d blah blah blah till he was ready to explode.
I wanted answers! I wanted to silence my thoughts! I wanted to end my loneliness. I wanted out! The truth had become too much to bear alone. I needed him to listen to me. I needed him to understand (and agree) that we were incredibly wrong for each other. We had stuck with each other because it was familiar and convenient.
I wished to hear him say he was over the restless, endless, tired beats too.
Be extremely careful what you wish for.
My (then) husband eventually realized I was serious about wanting a divorce. Most importantly, he realized I no longer loved him. And once that realization hit us both, all hell broke loose. Suddenly, he not only heard my words, he was ready to listen to them. Talk about a day late, and a dollar short.
He was too late. Our marriage was a joke. He had sixteen years to make us friends.
He had sixteen years to love me back. We hadn’t kissed in three years! We failed each other as Lovers. Failed each other as friends. We failed our children by behaving with ignorance and vindictiveness.
Sixteen years of restless, endless, tired beats.
Our separation was no surprise to anyone. Our divorce was a nightmare. Our lives were finally being lived, without each other. There was no going back. There was no forgiveness. There was no plan. Eeach day was new.
I won’t lie and say it was easy, because it sure wasn’t. There were many moments of uncertainty. Many feelings of hopelessness. Fear. Restless nights. Endless tears. And tired broken beats.
I know all good stories have a fabulous beginning before the tragic ending, I’m sorry I chose not to share my entire story. But, like most women, my heart is an immense Sea of Secrets. And regrets.
I know sham and disappointment, better than I know my mother and father. But that’s an entirely different post. This post is meant for my readers who seek unspoken truth. I want to take this opportunity to write about what happens after the healing. The shit I wish more divorced people would talk about. The truth is this: the grass was NOT greener on the other side. It was only kept up by a different type of person. There are many shades of green.
Do you know your shade?
We all hear that time heals all wounds. Sure! Believe that if it gets you through the hard times, but don’t trust too much in those words. What I’ve come to know about time is this: Time is fleeting. Time is both friend and foe.
Words to believe in: Time is the gift giver of Truth, Growth, and Accountability.
Time passes quickly, when you’re lost in the restless, endless, tired beats.
If you’re ready to accept time as a gift, you need to know that there is nothing wrong with going back to the broken pieces of your heart. When you’re ready, you’ll want to go there to piece it all back together. Because piecing it all back together is how you find your shade of green.
And don’t you dare believe it is up to your Ex to do it for you or help you. Mending your broken heart is on you, and only you.
Words of advice: acknowledge God’s presence while you’re healing. Especially when you’re having hard days. And keep Him close, because the day will come (after you’ve received your healing, and you’re living a fabulous new life), your Ex will find His/Her next One.
Possible, The One.
The One you were not.
And it’s going to sting.
I’m sure the title of this post is why you’re still reading this, waiting for me to get to the damn point! You do realize that my page is Most Often Mostly, BLAH BLAH BLAH?! If you didn’t get it before this post, now you do!
I started obsessing over my ex’s next One some time ago. All thanks to my bragging kids and social media.
Death to social media!
It is too damn easy to peek into the lives of people who should remain a memory. Leave the past alone, after you’ve healed! Long story short, our children shared with me that dad’s new girlfriend is Nice! And so Cool because she owns a Knife! WTF! I HAVE A KNIFE, TOO! In fact, I own a couple of them, and I have never once been called cool by my kids. Again, WTF?!
I know, this is where you’re laughing (but mentally noting to yourself to look into purchasing a knife.)
And I do hope I make you laugh, but there is a lot more to this post than finding A Funny in a heart wrenching topic. I want to use my blah blah blah for good, not evil. An important writer once wrote “You didn’t lose, and struggle to survive, so that you could go through it all again in another round. No. Hell no! You went through it to come out better. More aware. More ready to Love. And to be Loved. Mostly, to be the teacher of Love.” (It was Me, I’m the important writer! I quoted those fantastic words earlier in this post. Are you even listening?! I sure hope so.)
OK. OK. Back to the juicy stuff.
After weeks of a draining battle between my inner demon, and inner Godly angle, I looked at new girlfriend’s Facebook profile. It hurt. Yup! It didn’t only sting, it cut open wounds. Wounds I thought had healed and disappeared. This was the moment I realized that my good friend, Time, is also my foe.
I was in a funk for weeks. The next One’s face was imprinted in my mind. Again, death to social media! She is beautiful, and has a killer smile. Unfortunately for me, after minutes of studying her smile, I fucked-up and allowed my mind to wonder these thoughts: Do they love each other? Will they get married, and children? Do they kiss?
I never think about my ex-husband! He simply doesn’t exist in my mind anymore. I know that sounds cruel, but it is true. When you heal, you let go of all that was, and you allow memories to fade. You release all the could haves and should haves. You forgive yourself and move on. So why am I so bothered that he is seeing someone?!
Because there’s this thing called, Pride. Pride keeps people from speaking truth about vulnerable real feelings. You almost never hear people say “Yup. I stalk my ex’s Facebook profile. B/c I need to know I have not easily been replaced. I don’t want my ex to end up alone, but I also don’t want to know that he/she found a happy ever after. B/c then, I’d have to accept that I was not the One.”
And at the end of the day, that’s what it is, accept it or not, you were not The One.
But time didn’t heal me, God did.
Time didn’t make my life new (nor did weight loss and a change in character.) God made me New.
I want nothing more than to be pleasing to God and to be a positive example of humility and strength for my children. So, I’ve came against the devil’s lies, and I have taken back control over my thoughts. I am free to feel emotions. After all, the next One will be in my children’s lives. I’m human for feelings (and many different emotions) after seeing the next One drop my kids off, instead of my ex! I’m human for wondering if it’s the real deal. But what makes me a Woman is this: I’m finally ready to accept accountability.
Like I said earlier, after you’ve healed it is good to look back and piece it all together. But note this: There is no such thing as closure. You owe nothing to your ex. All that could have been about your love should have been said in words before the divorce. Now, use your growth to do all the apologizing. Show him/her that you own your part in the mess that is your broken family by being the better fuckin’ person. Every single time.
I was no shade of green when I was his wife. I didn’t know the difference between a stressful day, and good day. I was unhappy because I chose to be unhappy. I stopped kissing him. I stopped sleeping in that bedroom. Worst of all, I stopped seeing him as my One.
For what it’s worth,
Here’s my hopes for his next one,
I hope she laughs at his jokes. He is a funny guy, and good humor is hard to find.
I hope she protects him from drinking and driving. He has beautiful children who love him. Remind him of that, each time he reaches for his keys.
I pray she is good to our children, when no one is looking.
I hope she kisses him often. Kissing is important, and his last One didn’t know that.
Mostly, for the sake of our children, I hope she is more than his next one,
I hope she is the One,
The One who is better than his last.
Because he deserves it.
You can’t go back. You can only move forward.
You can’t force the other parent to show-up every other weekend. But you CAN fill the void your children feel, by the absence of that parent.
You’ll often feel drained. But there is fuel in prayer.
You can choose to be childish, and fuss over the little things.
Or choose to continue to grow in your shade.
I strongly suggest you stay growing in your shade.
BLAH BLAH BLAH